All I ever need to do is vent and pretend someone is listening. I feel better. I know at this point, all I ever say is im going to push forward. So I won’t say it, I’ll simply do. Good luck to you. You only mean something to me because I feel like I’ve nothing left. But, I forget… I’m a person too.
Have you ever tried hard to make your family proud? So many ways, but you can’t find how, that’s how I feel and it ain’t going away. It’s the same damn shit that I get everyday. Have you ever tried hard just to make it on your own? To figure you’re going to fail and end up being alone? It’s the same damn life that I wish wasn’t mine. Every single time I tried, I ain’t never any good. No matter what I do, I’m still going to be in this hood.
When your life is feeling down and you don’t know what to do, just open your ears. Here, take some advice, if you got the chance, take it, don’t think twice. You never know what your options are, but getting kicked to the ground…Seems like it always happens when I’m feeling down.
Sometimes I feel like I try, and then I’m wondering why? This life is getting to me, I’m putting this knife through me. I don’t know what I’m doing, sometimes, I can’t hear a sound. It feels like I’m just falling whenever I feel down.
I tried really hard too, but no one understands. Listening to these things believing that I can. I’m a kid, I’m a young man who’s going through pain trying to make a change, but, things are still the same. We redeem but it seems, I can’t grab my dreams. Expecting things to go right but, it’s all lean, but one thing for sure— I’ll do this with the hate and if my voice fails? My gun will communicate. It’s all stress when in time, I will progress, stay fresh and clean up all the badness. Caring less for this road, it’s a hard journey. We’re just working to get there because “we are all worthy”. The future ain’t blurry but the present really hurts, no matter what we do we gotta make this work.
Sometimes I feel like I’m destined for the top, but the minute i’m close? My dreams always drop. Everybody knows my name but, who really cares? FUCK THE WORLD, let everybody hear. Sometimes I get scared, scared to try. Sometimes, it just pushes you to die.
Sometimes I feel like I try, and then I’m wondering why? This life is getting to me, I’m putting this knife through me.
I learned this weekend that, even though I want to feel and open up with my heart… Simply wanting to do so and trying, isn’t going to cut it. I can no longer speak from my heart at the moment. I only can speak from what my mind knows my heart to be like. It saddens me, this is one of the things i’ve loved doing the most—Speaking from the heart… and now, I’ve lost the ability to feel the words come out of the deepest parts of my heart. I could not connect with a single person at the dating workshop, I could share my struggles and my walk in life…but nothing came from my heart. Everything simply came from my mind and the basis of knowing who I am, who I want to be and what my heart desires… It feels like… My heart has already turned to stone… The only difference that I’ve noticed is… You are still able to hurt me. And believe it or not, I appreciate it tremendously because the pain actually makes me feel alive…but…unfortunately I do have to get rid of that. Bitter sweet. In order for me to move on, I’ve to remove the last thing that makes me feel human—My heart’s desire to be by your side.
Not like it would matter if I bothered to say what’s on my mind right now.
I think… I try my best to be there for everyone who is in my life simply because… I want someone who’d be there for me. No one ever asks how I am, or how I feel. And I guess it gets to me. Meh…
It’s hard for me to see. To see any reason for doing anything at all, people tire me. I just want to be alone. Everytime I come home from any event, I feel so drained or I have to drink enough to just…get everything off my mind. I feel like nothing even matters to me anymore. Numb, stuck in every situation I’ve never wanted to be in. I went to the doctors today. The news was good I guess, I went to celebrate but, I dont know… Life is a bore. I need more.
In short, I’m glad im now able to accept why people don’t reciprocate feelings back for me. I’d always enjoy feedback but, what I used to do was obsess over it and try and change it. Why bother trying to change for someone who does not already like who you are enough to be with you right? Well, maybe it’s because I care less about everything lately but… I’m simply glad I don’t waste time on such things anymore. For her sake, I’ll try a different method of “moving on”. She doesn’t have many people she actually enjoys being around and I know if I use my usual methods, everyone will follow me and forget about her unless she’s already made a huge impact on their lives. At the least, in the past this has always happened. I like being able to sway people into following me and setting trends but…not when it comes to this. I introduce people to others for a reason. But anyways, back to the topic. Now that I think of it, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. Q.Q I know i’m only mildly hurt which doesn’t do much for my motivation to stop liking her, and I know she didin’t mean much to me. I simply don’t know how to move on without taking everyone else that she cares about with me. She’s one of those types who tries to be strong and independent on their own, but… I know she needs people just as much as anyone else. *Shrugs. I guess I’ll figure something out. I know I have to start treating her as a simple friend now though.
Upon analyzing why I even liked her… I believe most of it had to do with being able to find common ground with how she feels day to day. She tries to hide most of it, like everyone does…but…It’s just that feeling that I know she’s doing the same thing I’m doing and knowing that she knows I’m doing it too. It’s an odd feeling to me since people don’t usually pick up on what I’m doing…so Initially I think that’s what attracted me to her. I wanted to find out what that was—and I did. I guess physically, her eyes are gorgeous and she has a hypnotizing smile that fits with her petite body. Not really, into any of that but I thought I may as well admit to it. Psychologically, I was attracted to her because she seemed like she has so much more potential than where she currently is in life. I think I thought I could bring out a side of her that would motivate her but, I never really got that chance. I love when I see the potential in people haha, It’s like a drug to me >.< MUSTTTT SUCCEESSSSS >.< lololol Anyways, emotionally… It was very hard for me to even consider the fact that I liked her due to this. She’s extremely walled up, but, I guess the easiest way to describe it is, she’s like a little kid wanting but doesn’t want to ask. I love broken people. This prevented her from actually being there for me or being able to portray that she cared at least a little bit. Lastly, all the pieces that don’t fit into a category… I like her because even though she has all this retarded unhealthy stuff going on, she’s still able to make everyone smile at her whim. She’s confident enough in herself to make a fool out of herself simply for amusement. She’s strong enough to keep on trying which I really do admire in her since most people are not >.> As much as she pisses me off, I can never stay mad at her… I only can pretend Q.Q I like that she’s just as sensitive as I am but, she also doesn’t really like to show it. I like that she doesn’t care, and admits to it to me. I guess, I liked that I could like someone without having to learn to like them. The last time I really just fell for someone was my first girlfriend, and I guess revisiting that feeling was… a good thing. She made me feel that I was validated, she wasn’t one of those girls who kept people guessing when it mattered, she does play games—but she knows when not to. Oh, I’m rambling on too long without a point lololol. After it all, I know I would have enjoyed dating you—It would’ve been fun for me. But, I know we would’nt last more than a few months. I can’t imagine myself with you, physically or emotionally. Justtttttt psychologically. I don’t see much potential in you as a friend or anyone’s girlfriend, but a little part of me wanted to test it out and see how you’d be on a different level. I don’t value you much as a friend since you’ve yet to make an impact on my life. You’ve only charmed me, so… I’ve to be truthful to you, you’re not worth much to me as a friend. Most of the times…You’re just there because I don’t want you to be lonely and because I genuinely care about you and want to try to get you to explore more options. But…thats me, I do that to everyone… If it makes you feel any better, only a few people have made an impact on my life…I’d say about 3 and one of them has passed away already. My heart tells me I love you as a friend, and am curious about what it’d be like if we were more—but my mind tells I don’t matter to you so you should not matter to me. We all show we care in different ways—yes… but.. Society has conditioned me to only give everything to someone for a short while and if they don’t at least care in return… I’ve to turn my back before I get hurt. People don’t even need to do anything, they just don’t understand how much I love words. I’m sorry if things don’t turn out well for us, I’ll do my best since you say you appreciate our friendship—or at least…your tiny chat friends say that -.- that and we’d make good looking babies together -.- idiots…
It’s been a while since I’ve been back to my church group. I know I’m going because I feel as if I’ve lost touch with the more compassionate side of me. After attending the dating workshop today, I realized… I used to try and play a hero type complex. Any situation that I saw that needed to be fixed, I tried my best to stay and help fix things. Now, I simply just sit back and offer. I offer my heart, if it gets rejected so be it. I’d still offer my help. I know deep down I’m not really looking for love, I’m still looking for someone to help. And I guess, that’s why I’m not really looking to be in a relationship. Of course, I want someone there, but I feel as if I’m not capable of giving someone everything that I have. More as, I’m not willing to. I’ve yet to find someone who actually deserves what I can offer, so I do only what may seem like my all—enough so that they’d believe it. I guess that’s why most girls stay. You know you’re important to me when I don’t try to give anything but my time and money to. I also realized, I don’t really ask for answers straight-up anymore. I used to simply ask, are you interested in me? If not, I’d just simply move on. I don’t really like not asking and continuing or at least planning to try—and I guess that’s what I’m currently trying to revert. I know I’m okay with being alone, and most say that’s all you need to be ready to date—but, I feel as if my negative views on general society prevents me from wanting to date. *shrugs. This weekend will be a revelation.
